How overthinking impacted my life?

I was a quiet kid while growing up. But inside my head, it seemed like it was never quiet. I don’t remember since when exactly, but I developed a habit of overthinking for hours while growing up, sometimes even daydreaming. I used to imagine future scenarios or events in advance. Maybe it originated from my sense of low self-esteem. Obviously, when these events actually happened, they were always quite different from how I imagined them to turn out. I never thought of this to be an unhealthy habit while growing up. I liked thinking about things, analyzing what happened over and over, and sometimes even finding new insights which I did not uncover the first time.

However, it started creating a problem for me after few years. Since there was already so much noise inside my head, I wanted everything outside at least, to be as quiet as possible while studying. And I thought it was a normal thing to expect. People need quiet surroundings to focus on studies. It was normal. However, we did not live in a big palace or mansion. It was a small house with three small rooms, none of which were soundproofed. One of them had windows, but no glasses in window panes. Hence, there was a lot of noise coming there from outside. Still it was the best I could get since we rented one of the other two rooms for some extra income. We stopped giving rooms on rent after a few years though. And I did my best. I was the school topper in 10th with 9.8/10 GPA.

But then there is an old adage which is very true and practical. “A fruit never falls too far from the tree”. If everything had gone right, I would have done much better than my parents were able to and fulfilled all their dreams probably. But as I said about the adage, it is very true and practical. My dad decided to delay my joining of coaching classes by two months, and ensured that I struggle there from my very first day. On the top of that, we sold our house after a few months and moved to a rented place. And after a week or so, our grandmother joined as well. So from 4 people in 3 rooms, we went to 5 people in 2 rooms. And I wasn’t one of those who adapt well to changing situations, again probably because of low confidence.

Obviously, I did not make it to any of the IITs, NITs or any of the good colleges. And by then our new house was ready too, thought it too only had just two rooms. I never believed much in luck and believed 100% in hard work. Looking back though, I wonder if it was my fault, maybe my dad’s or my mom’s, or maybe it was destined to happen since the day I was born into that family. The toxic environment at my family, all the fight, all the arguments made sure I was desperate to get out of that place. And in that desperation, I made another mistake. I chose the worst possible college even though I could have gotten a better place had I been more persistent and patient. Or maybe it was bound to happen as well. I guess I will never know.

Four years after studying in that college, I was at my absolute lowest. I had no job and no skills. Again I was back to home, dependent on my father. Probably that’s how he wanted it. I tried to get the easiest job possible. One thing my dad had actually done right was to get me admitted to good English-medium schools. I was good at studies until 10th as we still had our own house till then and obviously it was a lot easier to manage compared to higher grades. But then, me living at home and my downward spiral in last 4 years made sure that it would take me almost a year to finally get a job. A government job, clerk in Bank of Baroda

And when I got that job finally, I was really happy. It was the best day of my life since I scored a 9.8/10 GPA in high school. Finally I was not financially dependent on my father anymore. But little did I know that I was still emotionally and mentally paralyzed. It was difficult for me to survive on my own. Just like it seemed in college, everyone seemed to me an enemy, in my head so many people were just exploiting my weaknesses and happy to have finally found someone they can rule over. And I should have known a couple of months back that being a clerk meant working at the cash counter. I , being one of the most anxious people in the world, was not really suited for that job. That’s when I got an admission offer for MBA at IIM Udaipur and quit that job.

Even though I knew there was a pattern here, I had to take this option. I was jumping off from one thing to another for quite some time now. In 2011, I wanted to be a footballer, then I wanted to get into IIT. When I did not get any IIT or even NIT, I wanted to be an entrepreneur in 2016. I decided to make money by creating an app in 2017. I switched to making money by dropshipping in 2018. And in 2019 finally, I settled on doing a MBA. I felt stuck in any place after some time and wanted to get out badly. It started when I badly wanted to get out from my home, and then I wanted to get out of my college, and then I wanted to get out of my first real job. I was just used to running away from my problems. It was my unhealthy way of dealing with my problems.

Even after being at an IIM, my confidence did not improve. If anything, it got even worse. I started comparing myself with all these amazing people around me. I still managed to find some enemies at the IIM, even though they were my enemies only in my head, not in real. I did not trust anyone. With no friends, a huge loan and a below average CV, I was under immense pressure to perform extraordinarily in the academics. And I could not handle it well. My academics suffered and I did not get a good internship. For first 6 months, it felt as if I was back to my undergrad college, and paying much more money this time for being there.

But then after 6 months, things did improve a bit. My 3–4 visits to the college counselor paid off and I started feeling better. I became aware of the wrong beliefs I had in my head about other people. I started feeling safer. By then though, I was back to the rut of overthinking. And it still impacted my productivity and social life. This went on for entire 3rd semester, lockdown period and 4th semester. I started practicing meditation since last month of 3rd trimester to deal with all this. It helped, but not much maybe because I was not consistent with it.

In 5th trimester, I realized another way in which all this was affecting me. Apparently, I was more sensitive than others. Things others dealt with easily annoyed the hell out of me. And because I was more sensitive, I was able to gauge others’ moods and thoughts more easily compared to others. But because I got annoyed so easily, I found it difficult to focus during online classes when professors got late or did not give scheduled break on time. And because of that, I had to spend extra time on academics which affected my placement preparation as well. As a result, when I got my first interview shortlist from Deollite, I was quite unprepared for it. Obviously, I f*cked it up. It was my dream role and the pay wasn’t too bad. I felt so bad.

Next I got a shortlist for ICICI Bank. But I was deeply into the rut of overthinking by then, and messed up the Group Discussion. I was so sad that I messed up this one as well. I just could not decide when to speak up and even when I spoke something, I was not confident. As a result, others cut me in between and lost chance to score any points. And a day before that, I had missed the chance to apply for YES Bank. It was all due to this overthinking crap. It had destroyed my life, made me so slow. I hated it. I felt like this person who was mentally ill and needed anti-depressants. This problem was responsible for so many missed opportunities and my messed up life.

And next day when my roommate from previous year got placed at YES Bank, I could not believe it. The same guy who kept discouraging me from studying and doing pre-reads and troubled me so much got a 18 lakh job. Probably this has proved that he was afterall right and I was wrong. It was of no use spending so much time on those cases and chapters. Recruiters don’t care about any of that. They only care about what’s on your CV, not about what’s in your mind. I was a fool to spend all this time trying to study and I was a fool to listen to all those who told me that I should continue studying and that my roommate was right and I was wrong. And I decided not to talk to my college counselor again. All her advices seemed wrong and totally useless.

Within next couple of days, I got placed at Axis Bank. I was relieved but not too happy about it. Everyone said it was great. But I did not feel great. I would be getting only half of what my roommate would be getting. I was still not able to believe what has really happened. Was it because he had work ex and I was a fresher? Or was it because he had more money or better parents? Or was it just my destiny? Whatever it was, this was virtually end of my MBA. I was placed, and now all that was left to do was pass exams and get the hell out of this place.